Parents

Dear Parents,

You must love your children very much to make the sacrifices you have made and are making to help them understand addiction and alcoholism in their family.

As parents, we feel so terribly guilty for anything we have done to harm our children in anyway. . . whether it's a divorce, financial crisis, or the family's battles with alcoholism and other drug addiction. The fact that you are here today indicates your courage and love for your children and your desire to be the best parent you can be.

As the Serenity Prayer says, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." None of us can change anything that has happened prior to this moment, but we can learn from our mistakes, listen to others who have wisdom, and continue to work on our own personal recovery one day at a time.

Sincerely and with respect,
The Betty Ford Center Children's Staff

FAQ's

Why is it important for children to participate?
Research clearly shows that addiction tends to run in families so children from alcoholic and other drug addicted families are at high risk. Empowering these youngsters with healthy living skills is truly prevention in its purest form. Helping children to learn that it's not their fault and they are not to blame allows them to become kids again.

How does the program help a family deepen its healing?
Through their artwork, stories, and letters to Addiction, the children share with their parents about what it's been like for them living with addiction. This is a very powerful and moving experience. Parents respond the next day by often asking for forgiveness and letting their children know how much they love them. On the last day they work on how the family will proceed with its recovery.

What do children do in the program?
The program features a balanced blend of learning, playing, and growing. Youngsters learn about addiction in an age-appropriate way, share feelings, develop a variety of coping and self-care skills, and build upon their strengths and intrinsic worth. Just as importantly, the program provides the opportunity for children to be kids, as swimming, hide-n-seek, capture the flag, and fun videos are an integral part of the process.

What can I say to patients/parents to encourage their participation?
This program is a gift that their sobriety brings to their children. They deserve the opportunity to heal and alter the cycle of addiction in the family. Since children have unwittingly been a part of the disease, they deserve to be a part of the recovery as well. For patients/parents who grew up in addicted families, they can now give their children the gift they never got as kids - a safe place to grow, learn, and heal

What days do the parents/caregivers participate?
On Thursday morning it's important for one parent, patient, or adult family member to participate in an orientation meeting from 8:00 - 9:00 A.M. Patients participate all day with their children on Saturday and Sunday. The program usually finishes by 3:00 P.M. on these days.

What happens at the conclusion of the program?
Staff meets with each family for continuing care recommendations and referrals at the close of the program. Local youth are invited to participate in the BFC continuing care group for kids on Wednesday evenings from 5:30 - 6:30 P.M. During the last day of the program each family outlines which steps they plan to take for both the individual and collective health of the family.

How often does the Children's Program take place?
The program currently occurs two to three times a month for children and their families, depending on the location. Programs take place at the Betty Ford Center and at various locations in collaboration with community providers.

How old must children be to participate in the program?
The program serves youngsters ages seven through twelve.

How much does the program cost?
If a family has the resources, the fee is $400 per child, which includes lunches and parent participation. Full and partial scholarships are available. No child will ever be turned away by an inability to pay. The actual cost per child to run the program is much higher. The difference in cost is made up through donations.

Is sobriety a prerequisite for program participation?
No. Although, during the program's duration, participants will remain free of mood altering chemicals.

How do I register a child for the program?
For the California or Colorado program, call (800) 434-7365 and ask for the Children's Program. For the Texas program, call (972)751-0363 (Metro toll free).

If you need assistance, our staff will meet with a patient or family member individually.

12 Steps for Parents

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. Admit powerlessness over your ability to surrender to your love and not your control.

"Parenting is really a struggle between fear and love." The fear that our children, whom we love so much, can be harmed causes us, as parents, to attempt to control the fear by controlling our children. Managing our children through control creates bitterness in ourselves as parents, and breeds anger and rebellion in our children. The alternative is to accept that pain is a part of living, and that our children can learn from pain just as we do as adults. Admitting powerlessness over our life allows for honest parenting. Through acceptance we can share our love with our children and teach them to protect themselves.

Step 2

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Find hope in the belief that recovery is possible through faith and willingness to work on ourselves.

"Faith is the beginning of hope." The belief in a Power greater than ourselves can help us develop the faith to try new behaviors and create new visions for our families. As members of dysfunctional families, we have all kinds of learned "insanity." These behaviors directly affect our parenting. When we allow a Power greater than ourselves to work in our lives, then miracles are possible.

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him. Reach out for help and acknowledge that you are not alone.

"Asking for help is the lifeline for parents." When we turn our will and our lives over to God, we also turn our children over to His care. Letting go helps us to step aside and let a force greater than ourselves work in our lives and our children's lives. Drawing on the resources around us and attempting to find a good orderly direction helps us gain a sense of peace to meet the challenges of parenting.

Step 4

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Take stock of yourself as a parent .

"Identifying our strengths and weaknesses helps us own reality. When we see how our personality traits affect our children, we realize how we project our fears onto our children, creating self-fulfilling prophecies. By doing the fourth step, we take responsibility for the things we do not like about ourselves instead of projecting them onto our children. When we look at what our family life was like before recovery, we can get a clear picture of where we were and work to avoid repeating past mistakes.

Step 5

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Learn to share your parenting issues without self-recrimination.

Sharing our inventory with God and another person helps us to see patterns that have caused us problems. The guilt from the excessive baggage of the past separates us from those we love. Sharing the things we see with our spouse, friends, and support groups allows us to find that we were not as bad a parent as we thought and we have all kinds of support and guidance available around us. Honest communication with a spouse is important so that your efforts can begin to work together for more effective parenting.

Step 6

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Become ready to change by giving up the demand to be perfect.

"Be ready to change." Our character defects have been the way the child in us has protected itself from a hostile world. As parents, we must face the child in ourselves and tell ourselves that the time has come to give up the old patterns. We must develop new defenses to use when defenses are necessary. This involves finding new ways that do not involve denying our feelings.

Step 7

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Make conscious changes in your parenting by identifying specific strategies for healthy parenting.

Willingness to humbly ask for help sets the stage for our spiritual growth as a parent. Since many of us grew up in alcoholic families, asking for help is especially difficult - asking with humility is even harder. We begin to make conscious changes in our parenting. Our old patterns and responses, as well as those of our children, will still occur as we begin to adjust to these changes. Change takes time; setbacks are natural. Setting firm and consistent limits and learning new ways to relate to our children will help as we adjust to the changes.

Step 8

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Take responsibility for the effect your parenting has had on your children and learn self-forgiveness.

Learn to forgive yourself. Accepting the past as a fact and without guilt is an important part of this step. By taking responsibility for the past, we admit the truth about the past (neither judging too harshly, nor minimizing the effects). We can then commit to changing our behaviors that are harmful and follow through on our commitment. Listing new parenting strategies moves us away from guilt and into responsible action. Deciding to change helps release us from self-recrimination. We need to remember that we did not willfully harm our children; we were doing the best with what we had at the time. Now we have more. Being a recovering parent is like being a recovering alcoholic. We can let go of the shame and guilt when we accept our problem and do something about it.

Step 9

Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would harm them or others. Make amends to your children through healthy parenting without over-compensating.

The best way to make amends to our children is by being a better parent. Our children can sense when we are trying to make up for lost time or trying to be the "super parent" because of guilt we have. Children often respond with mistrust or manipulation to our over-compensations. When we commit to be the best parent we can be, we share our lives and attention with our children. We accept each other's differences. We give permission for everyone to express their feelings. We start setting firm loving limits for our children and ourselves. It also means reaching inside to heal the child inside ourselves who cries out for love and attention.

Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Model being honest with yourself and your children and create acceptance in your family for imperfection.

Our children learn more from what we do than from what we say. This is a step of self-honesty. We must learn to accept our own imperfections and mistakes before we can teach our children that they can be imperfect and still be loved. By modeling self-honesty and self-acceptance, we demonstrate to our children how to deal with life based on "content of their character" and not how close to perfect they can get.

Step 11

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Learn to accept your limits in life and find your true spiritual path while allowing your children theirs.

As parents the hardest limit to accept is the truth that in the end our children will be on their own. By nurturing our own spirituality we, as parents, are able to guide our children toward their own path of spiritual growth. We can share our spiritual principles and values with our children best through our guidance and our example. It is easier to "Let go and let God" when we accept that in the end our children are on their own and we cannot control the choices that they will make. The ability to give thanks for each experience (because experience has made us who we are) helps us to be aware that we are part of a larger plan.

Step 12

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Reach out to other parents in the spirit of giving and community.

"You can't keep it unless you give it away." Sharing our experience, strength, and hope is the cornerstone of our program. We can reach of highest potential through helping others strive to better themselves. We need to be involved in our children's schools, in support groups, and in the community. Carrying the message means reaching out and offering a helping hand to other parents when needed and appropriate. It is learning to lead our children in a loving way and give the child within you all he or she needs to grow.

Summarized by Jan Morris, based on Breaking the Cycle of Addiction by Patricia O'Gorman and Philip Oliver-Diaz, Pompano Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, Inc., 1987. Used with permission. For more about this topic, please see The Lowdown on Families Who Get High, by O'Gorman and Oliver-Diaz, published by the Child Welfare League of America, Washington, D.C.